Act IV
Scene 1
A Dressing−Room. Lady Galliard is discover’d in an undress at her Table, Glass and Toilette, Closet attending: As soon as the Scene draws off she rises from the Table as disturbed and out of Humour.
Lady Galliard
Come, leave your everlasting Chamber−maid’s Chat, your dull Road of Slandering by rote, and lay that Paint aside. Thou art fuller of false News, than an unlicens’d Mercury.
Mrs. Closet
I have good Proof, Madam, of what I say.
Lady Galliard
Proof of a thing impossible! −− Away.
Mrs. Closet
Is it a thing so impossible, Madam, that a Man of Mr. Wilding‘s Parts and Person should get a City−Heiress? Such a bonne Mien, and such a pleasant Wit!
Lady Galliard
Hold thy fluent Tattle, thou hast Tongue
Enough to talk an Oyster−Woman deaf:
I say it cannot be.
−−
What means the panting of my troubled Heart!
Oh, my presaging Fears! shou’d what she says prove true,
How wretched and how lost a thing am I! [Aside]
Mrs. Closet
Your Honour may say your Pleasure; but I hope I have not liv’d to these Years to be impertinent −− No, Madam, I am none of those that run up and down the Town a Story−hunting, and a Lye−catching, and −−
Lady Galliard
Eternal Rattle, peace −−
Mrs. Charlot Gett−all go away with Wilding!
A Man of Wilding‘s extravagant Life
Get a Fortune in the City!
Thou mightst as well have told me, a Holder−forth were married to a Nun:
There are not two such Contraries in Nature,
‘Tis flam, ’tis foolery, ’tis most impossible.
Mrs. Closet
I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon, if my Discourse offend you; but all the World knows Mrs. Clacket to be a person −−
Lady Galliard
Who is a most devout Baud, a precise Procurer;
A Saint in the Spirit, and Whore in the Flesh;
A Doer of the Devil’s Work in God’s Name.
Is she your Informer? nay, then the Lye’s undoubted –
I say once more, adone with your idle Tittle−Tattle,−−
And to divert me, bid Betty sing the Song which Wilding made
To his last Mistress; we may judge by that,
What little Haunts, and what low Game he follows.
This is not like the Description of a rich Citizen’s Daughter and Heir, but some common Hackney of the Suburbs.
Mrs. Closet
I have heard him often swear she was a Gentlewoman, and liv’d with her Friends.
Lady Galliard
Like enough, there are many of these Gentlewomen who live with their Friends, as rank Prostitutes, as errant Jilts, as those who make open profession of the Trade −− almost as mercenary −− But come, the Song.
Enter Betty
SONG
In Phillis all vile Jilts are met,
Foolish, uncertain, false, Coquette.
Love is her constant welcome Guest,
And still the newest pleases best.
Quickly she likes, then leaves as soon;
Her Life on Woman’s a Lampoon.
Yet for the Plague of human Race,
This Devil has an Angel’s Face;
Such Youth, such Sweetness in her Look,
Who can be Man, and not be took
What former Love, what Wit, what Art,
Can save a poor inclining Heart?
In vain a thousand Times an hour
Reason rebels against her Power.
In vain I rail, I curse her charms;
One Look my feeble Rage disarms.
There is Inchantment in her Eyes;
Who sees ’em, can no more be wise.
Enter Wilding, who runs to embrace Lady Galliard
Tom Wilding
Twelve was the lucky Minute when we met:
Most charming of your Sex, and wisest of all Widows,
My Life, my Soul, my Heaven to come, and here!
Now I have liv’d to purpose, since at last −− Oh, killing Joy!
Come, let me fold you, press you in my Arms,
And kiss you Thanks for this dear happy Night.
Lady Galliard
You may spare your Thanks, Sir, for those that will deserve ’em; I shall give you no occasion for ’em.
Tom Wilding
Nay, no scruples now, dearest of Dears, no more,
‘Tis most unseasonable −−
I bring a Heart full fraight with eager Hopes,
Opprest with a vast Load of longing Love;
Let me unlade me in that soft white Bosom,
That Storehouse of rich Joys and lasting Pleasures,
And lay me down as on a Bed of Lillies. [She breaks from him]
Lady Galliard
You’re wondrous full of Love and Rapture, Sir; but certainly you mistake the Person you address ’em to.
Tom Wilding
Why, are you not my Lady Galliard, that very Lady Galliard, who, if one may take her Word for’t, loves Wilding? Am I not come hither by your own Appointment; and can I have any other Business here at this time of night, but Love, and Rapture, and −−
Lady Galliard
Scandalous and vain! by my Appointment, and for so leud a purpose; guard me, ye good Angels.
If after an Affront so gross as this,
I ever suffer you to see me more,
Then think me what your Carriage calls me,
An impudent, an open Prostitute,
Lost to all sense of Virtue, or of Honour.
Tom Wilding
What can this mean? [Aside]
Oh, now I understand the Mystery. [Looking on Closet.]
Her Woman’s here, that troublesome piece of Train.
−− I must remove her. Hark ye, Mrs. Closet, I had forgot to tell you, as I came up I heard a Kinsman of yours very earnest with the Servants below, and in great haste to speak with you.
Mrs. Closet
A Kinsman! that’s very likely indeed, and at this time of night.
Tom Wilding
Yes, a very near Kinsman, he said he was your Father’s own Mother’s Uncle’s Sister’s Son; what d’ye call him?
Mrs. Closet
Ay, what d’ye call him indeed? I shou’d be glad to hear his Name. Alas, Sir, I have no near Relation living that I know of, the more’s my Misfortune, poor helpless Orphan that I am. [Weeps]
Tom Wilding
Nay, but Mrs. Closet, pray take me right,
This Country−man of yours, as I was saying −−
Lady Galliard
Chang’d already from a Kinsman to a Country−man! a plain Contrivance to get my Woman out of the Room. Closet, as you value my Service, stir not from hence.
Tom Wilding
This Countryman of yours, I say, being left Executor by your Father’s last Will and Testament, is come −− Dull Waiting−woman, I wou’d be alone with your Lady; know your Cue and retire.
Mrs. Closet
How, Sir!
Tom Wilding
Learn, I say, to understand Reason when you hear it. Leave us awhile; Love is not a Game for three to play at. [Gives her Money]
Mrs. Closet
I must own to all the World, you have convinc’d me; I ask a thousand Pardons for my Dulness. Well, I’ll be gone, I’ll run; you’re a most powerful Person, the very Spirit of Persuasion −− I’ll steal out −− You have such a taking way with you −− But I forgot my self. Well, your most obedient Servant; whenever you’ve occasion, Sir, be pleas’d to use me freely.
Tom Wilding
Nay, dear Impertinence, no more Complements, you see I’m busy now; prithee be gone, you see I am busy.
Mrs. Closet
I’m all Obedience to you, Sir −− Your most obedient −−
Lady Galliard
Whither are you fisking and giggiting now?
Mrs. Closet
Madam, I am going down, and will return immediately, immediately. [Exit Closet]
Tom Wilding
So, she’s gone; Heaven and broad Gold be prais’d for the Deliverance. And now, dear Widow, let’s lose no more precious time; we have fool’d away too much already.
Lady Galliard
This to me!
Tom Wilding
To you, yes, to whom else should it be? unless being sensible you have not Discretion enough to manage your own Affairs your self, you resolve like other Widows, with all you’re Worth to buy a Governour, commonly call’d a Husband. I took ye to be wiser; but if that be your Design I shall do my best to serve you −− though to deal freely with you −−
Lady Galliard
Trouble not your self, Sir, to make Excuses; I’m not so fond of the Offer to take you at your Word. Marry you! a Rakeshame, who have not Esteem enough for the Sex to believe your Mother honest −− without Money or Credit, without Land either in present or prospect; and half a dozen hungry Vices, like so many bauling Brats at your Back, perpetually craving, and more chargeable to keep than twice the number of Children. Besides, I think you are provided for; are you not married to Mrs. Charlot Gett−all?
Tom Wilding
Married to her! Do I know her, you shou’d rather ask. What Fool has forg’d this unlikely Lye? but suppose ’twere true, cou’d you be jealous of a Woman I marry? Do you take me for such an Ass, to suspect I shall love my own Wife? On the other side, I have a great Charge of Vices, as you well observe, and I must not be so barbarous to let ’em starve. Every body in this Age takes care to provide for their Vices, though they send their Children a begging; I shou’d be worse than an Infidel to neglect them. No, I must marry some stiff aukward thing or other with an ugly Face, and a handsom Estate, that’s certain: but whoever is ordain’d to make my Fortune, ’tis you only can make me happy −− Come, do it then.
Lady Galliard
I never will.
Tom Wilding
Unkindly said, you must.
Lady Galliard
Unreasonable Man! because you see
I have unusual Regards for you,
Pleasure to hear, and Trouble to deny you;
A fatal yielding in my Nature toward you,
Love bends my Soul that way −−
A Weakness I ne’er felt for any other;
And wou’d you be so base? and cou’d you have the Heart
To take th’ advantage on’t to ruin me,
To make me infamous, despis’d, loath’d, pointed at?
Tom Wilding
You reason false.—
According to the strictest Rules of Honour,
Beauty should still be the Reward of Love,
Not the vile Merchandize of Fortune,
Or the cheap Drug of a Church−Ceremony.
She’s only infamous, who to her Bed
For Interest takes some nauseous Clown she hates:
And though a Jointure or a Vow in publick
Be her Price, that makes her but the dearer Whore.
Lady Galliard
I understand not these new Morals.
Tom Wilding
Have Patience I say, ’tis clear:
All the Desires of mutual Love are virtuous.
Can Heav’n or Man be angry that you please
Your self, and me, when it does wrong to none?
Why rave you then on things that ne’er can be?
Besides, are we not alone, and private? who can know it?
Lady Galliard
Heaven will know ‘t; and I −− that, that’s enough: But when you are weary of me, first your Friend, Then his, then all the World.
Tom Wilding
Think not that time will ever come.
Lady Galliard
Oh, it must, it will.
Tom Wilding
Or if it should, could I be such a Villain –
Ah cruel! if you love me as you say,
You wou’d not thus distrust me.
Lady Galliard
You do me wrong, I love you more than e’er
my Tongue,
Or all the Actions of my Life can tell you −− so well –
Your very Faults, how gross soe’er to me,
Have something pleasing in ’em. To me you’re all
That Man can praise, or Woman can desire;
All Charm without, and all Desert within.
But yet my Virtue is more lovely still;
That is a Price too high to pay for you;
The Love of Angels may be bought too dear,
If we bestow on them what’s kept for Heaven.
Tom Wilding
Hell and the Devil! I’ll hear no more
Of this religious Stuff, this godly Nonsense.
Death, Madam, do you bring me into your Chamber to preach Virtue to me?
Lady Galliard
I bring you hither! how can you say it?
I suffer’d you indeed to come, but not
For the base end you fancy’d, but to take
A last Leave of you. Let my Heart break with Love,
I cannot be that wretched thing you’d have me;
Believe I still shall have a Kindness for you,
Always your Friend, your Mistress now no more.
Tom Wilding
Cozen’d, abus’d, she loves some other Man!
Dull Blockhead, not to find it out before! [Aside]
−− Well, Madam, may I at last believe
This is your fix’d and final Resolution?
And does your Tongue now truly speak your Heart,
That has so long bely’d it?
Lady Galliard
It does.
Tom Wilding
I’m glad on’t. Good Night; and when I visit you again, May you again thus fool me. [Offers to go]
Lady Galliard
Stay but a Moment.
Tom Wilding
For what? to praise your Night−dress, or make Court to your little Dog? No, no, Madam, send for Mr. Flamfull, and Mr. Flutterbuz, Mr. Lap−fool and Mr. Loveall; they’ll do it better, and are more at leisure.
Lady Galliard
Hear me a little: You know I both despise, and hate those civil Coxcombs, as much as I esteem and love you. But why will you be gone so soon? and why are ye so cruel to urge me thus to part either with your good Opinion or your Kindness? I wou’d fain keep ’em both. [In a soft tone]
Tom Wilding
Then keep your Word, Madam.
Lady Galliard
My Word! and have I promis’d then to be
A Whore? A Whore! Oh, let me think of that!
A Man’s Convenience, his leisure Hours, his Bed of Ease,
To loll and tumble on at idle times;
The Slave, the Hackney of his lawless Lust!
A loath’d Extinguisher of filthy Flames,
Made use of, and thrown by −− Oh, infamous!
Tom Wilding
Come, come, you love me not, I see it plain;
That makes your Scruples; that, that’s the Reason
You start at Words, and turn away from Shadows.
Already some pert Fop, some Ribbon Fool,
Some dancing Coxcomb, has supplanted me
In that unsteady treacherous Woman’s Heart of yours.
Lady Galliard
Believe it if you will. Yes, let me be false, unjust, ungrateful, any thing but a −− Whore −−
Tom Wilding
Oh, Sex on purpose form’d to plague Mankind!
All that you are, and all you do’s a Lye.
False are your Faces, false your floating Hearts;
False are your Quarrels, false your Reconcilements:
Enemies without Reason, and dear without Kindness;
Your Friendship’s false, but much more false your Love;
Your damn’d deceitful Love is all o’er false.
Lady Galliard
False rather are the Joys you are so fond of.
Be wise, and cease, Sir, to pursue ’em farther.
Tom Wilding
No, them I can never quit, but you most easily:
A Woman changeable and false as you.
Lady Galliard
Said you most easily? Oh, inhuman!
Your cruel Words have wak’d a dismal Thought;
I feel ’em cold and heavy at my Heart,
And Weakness steals upon my Soul apace;
I find I must be miserable −−
I wou’d not be thought false.
[In a soft tone, coming near him]
Tom Wilding
Nor wou’d I think you so; give me not Cause.
Lady Galliard
What Heart can bear distrust from what it loves?
Or who can always her own Wish deny?
My Reason’s weary of the unequal Strife;
And Love and Nature will at last o’ercome. [Aside]
−− Do you not then believe I love you? [To him in a soft tone]
Tom Wilding
How can I, while you still remain unkind?
Lady Galliard
How shall I speak my guilty Thoughts?
— [Aside]
I have not Power to part with you; conceal my Shame, I doubt I cannot, I fear I wou’d not any more deny you.
Tom Wilding
Oh heavenly Sound! Oh charming Creature! Speak that word again, agen, agen! for ever let me hear it.
Lady Galliard
But did you not indeed? and will you never, never love Mrs. Charlot, never?
Tom Wilding
Never, never.
Lady Galliard
Turn your Face away, and give me leave
To hide my rising Blushes: I cannot look on you
[As this last Speech is speaking, she sinks into his Arms by degrees]
But you must undo me if you will –
Since I no other way my Truth can prove,
−−You shall see I love.
Pity my Weakness, and admire my Love.
Tom Wilding
All Heaven is mine, I have it in my Arms,
Nor can ill Fortune reach me any more.
Fate, I defy thee, and dull World, adieu.
In Love’s kind Fever let me ever lie,
Drunk with Desire, and raving mad with Joy.
[Exeunt into the Bed−chamber, Wilding leading her with his Arms about her]
Scene 2
Changes. Another Room in Lady Galliard’s House
Enter Sir Charles Meriwill and Sir Anthony, Sir Charles drunk
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A Dog, a Rogue, to leave her!
Sir Charles Meriwill
Why, look ye, Uncle, what wou’d you have a Man do? I brought her to her Coach −−
Sir Anthony Meriwill
To her Coach! to her Coach! Did not I put her into your Hand, follow’d you out, wink’d, smil’d and nodded; cry’d ‘bye Charles, ‘bye Rogue; which was as much as to say, Go home with her, Charles, home to her Chamber, Charles; nay, as much as to say, Home to her Bed, Charles; nay, as much as to say −− Hum, hum, a Rogue, a Dog, and yet to be modest too! That I shou’d bring thee up with no more Fear of God before thy Eyes!
Sir Charles Meriwill
Nay, dear Uncle, don’t break my Heart now! Why, I did proffer, and press, and swear, and ly’d, and −− but a pox on her, she has the damn’dst wheedling way with her, as dear Charles, nay prithee, fie, ’tis late, to morrow, my Honour, which if you lov’d you wou’d preserve; and such obliging Reasons.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Reasons! Reason! a Lover, and talk of Reason! You lye, Sirrah, you lye. Leave a Woman for Reason, when you were so finely drunk too, a Rascal!
Sir Charles Meriwill
Why look ye, d’ye see, Uncle, I durst not trust my self alone with her in this pickle, lest I shou’d ha’ fallen foul on her.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Why, there’s it; ’tis that you shou’d have done; I am mistaken if she be not one of those Ladies that love to be ravisht of a Kindness. Why, your willing Rape is all the Fashion, Charles.
Sir Charles Meriwill
But hark ye, Uncle.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Why, how now, Jack−sauce, what, capitulate?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Why, do but hear me, Uncle; Lord, you’re so hasty! Why, look ye, I am as ready, d’ye see, as any Man on these Occasions.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Are you so, Sir? and I’ll make you willing, or try Toledo with you, Sir −− Why, what, I shall have you whining when you are sober again, traversing your Chamber with Arms across, railing on Love and Women, and at last defeated, turn whipping Tom, to revenge your self on the whole Sex.
Sir Charles Meriwill
My dear Uncle, come kiss me and be friends; I will be rul’d. [Kisses him]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
−− A most admirable good−natur’d Boy this! [Aside] Well then, dear Charles, know, I have brought thee now hither to the Widow’s House, with a Resolution to have thee order matters so, as before thou quitst her, she shall be thy own, Boy.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Gad, Uncle, thou’rt a Cherubin! Introduce me, d’ye see, and if I do not so woo the Widow, and so do the Widow, that e’er morning she shall be content to take me for better for worse −− Renounce me! Egad, I’ll make her know the Lord God from Tom Bell, before I have done with her. Nay, backt by my noble Uncle, I’ll venture on her, had she all Cupid‘s Arrows, Venus‘s Beauty, and Messalina‘s Fire, d’ye see.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A sweet Boy, a very sweet Boy! Hum, thou art damnable handsome to Night, Charles −− Ay, thou wilt do’t; I see a kind of resistless Leudness about thee, a most triumphant Impudence, loose and wanton. [Stands looking on him]
Enter Closet
Mrs. Closet
Heavens, Gentlemen, what makes you here at this time of Night?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Where’s your Lady?
Mrs. Closet
Softly, dear Sir.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Why, is she asleep? Come, come, I’ll wake her. [Offers to force in as to the Bed−chamber]
Mrs. Closet
Hold, hold, Sir; No, no, she’s a little busy, Sir.
Sir Charles Meriwill
I’ll have no Business done to Night, Sweetheart.
Mrs. Closet
Hold, hold, I beseech you, Sir, her Mother’s with her; For Heaven’s sake, Sir, be gone.
Sir Charles Meriwill
I’ll not budge.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
No, not a Foot.
Mrs. Closet
The City you know, Sir, is so censorious −−
Sir Charles Meriwill
Damn the City.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
All the Whigs, Charles, all the Whigs.
Sir Charles Meriwill
In short, I am resolv’d, d’ye see, to go to the Widow’s Chamber.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Harkye, Mrs. Closet, I thought I had entirely engag’d you this Evening.
Mrs. Closet
I am perfectly yours, Sir; but how it happens so, her Mother being there −− Yet if you wou’d withdraw for half an hour, into my Chamber, till she were gone −−
Sir Anthony Meriwill
This is the Reason, Charles. Here, here’s two Pieces to buy thee a Gorget. [Gives her Money]
Sir Charles Meriwill
And here’s my two, because thou art industrious. [Gives her Money, and they go out with her]
Enter Lady Galliard in rage, held by Wilding.
Lady Galliard
What have I done? Ah, whither shall I fly? [Weeps]
Tom Wilding
Why all these Tears? Ah, why this cruel Passion?
Lady Galliard
Undone, undone! Unhand me, false, forsworn; Be gone, and let me rage till I am dead. What shou’d I do with guilty Life about me?
Tom Wilding
Why, where’s the harm of what we two have done?
Lady Galliard
Ah, leave me −−
Leave me alone to sigh to flying Winds,
That the Infection may be borne aloft,
And reach no human Ear.
Tom Wilding
Cease, lovely Charmer, cease to wound me more.
Lady Galliard
Shall I survive this Shame? No, if I do,
Eternal Blushes dwell upon my Cheeks,
To tell the World my Crime.
−− Mischief and Hell, what Devil did possess me?
Tom Wilding
It was no Devil, but a Deity;
A little gay wing’d God, harmless and innocent,
Young as Desire, wanton as Summer−breezes,
Soft as thy Smiles, resistless as thy Eyes.
Lady Galliard
Ah, what malicious God,
Sworn Enemy to feeble Womankind,
Taught thee the Art of Conquest with thy Tongue?
Thy false deluding Eyes were surely made
Of Stars that rule our Sex’s Destiny:
And all thy Charms were by Inchantment wrought,
That first undo the heedless Gazers on,
Then shew their natural Deformity.
Tom Wilding
Ah, my Galliard, am I grown ugly then?
Has my increase of Passion lessen’d yours? [In a soft tone]
Lady Galliard
Peace, Tempter, Peace, who artfully betrayest me,
And then upbraidest the Wretchedness thou’st made.
−− Ah, Fool, eternal Fool! to know my Danger,
Yet venture on so evident a Ruin.
Tom Wilding
Say, −− what one Grace is faded?
Is not thy Face as fair, thy Eyes as killing?
By Heaven, much more! This charming change of Looks
Raises my Flame, and makes me wish t’invoke
The harmless God again. [Embraces her]
Lady Galliard
By Heaven, not all thy Art
Shall draw me to the tempting Sin again.
Tom Wilding
Oh, I must, or die.
Lady Galliard
By all the Powers, by −−
Tom Wilding
Oh, do not swear, lest Love shou’d take it ill
That Honour shou’d pretend to give him Laws,
And make an Oath more powerful than his Godhead.
−− Say that you will half a long Hour hence −−
Lady Galliard
Hah!
Tom Wilding
Or say a tedious Hour.
Lady Galliard
Death, never −−
Tom Wilding
Or if you −− promise me then to morrow.
Lady Galliard
No, hear my Vows.
Tom Wilding
Hold, see me die; if you resolve ’em fatal to my
Love, by Heaven I’ll do’t. [Lays his Hand on his Sword]
Lady Galliard
Ah, what −−
Tom Wilding
Revoke that fatal Never then.
Lady Galliard
I dare not.
Tom Wilding
Oh, say you will.
Lady Galliard
Alas, I dare not utter it.
Tom Wilding
Let’s in, and thou shalt whisper it into my Bosom;
Or sighing, look it to me with thy Eyes.
Lady Galliard
Ah, Wilding – [Sighs]
Tom Wilding
It toucht my Soul! Repeat that Sigh again.
Lady Galliard
Ah, I confess I am but feeble Woman. [Leans on him]
Sir Charles Meriwill
[Without] Good Mistress Keep−door, stand by: for I must enter.
Lady Galliard
Hah, young Meriwill‘s Voice!
Mrs. Closet
Pray, Sir Charles, let me go and give my Lady notice. [She enters and goes to Wilding]−− For Heaven’s sake, Sir, withdraw, or my Lady’s Honour’s lost.
Tom Wilding
What will you have me do? [To Galliard.]
Lady Galliard
Be gone, or you will ruin me for ever. [In disorder]
Tom Wilding
Nay, then I will obey.
Lady Galliard
Here, down the back−stairs –
As you have Honour, go and cherish mine. [Pulling him. He goes out]−− He’s gone, and now nethinks the shivering Fit of Honour is return’d.
Enter Sir Charles, rudely pushing Closet aside with Sir Anthony
Sir Charles Meriwill
Deny’d an entrance! nay, then there is a Rival in the Case, or so; and I’m resolv’d to discover the Hellish Plot, d’ye see.
Just as he enters drunk at one Door, Wilding returns at the other
Lady Galliard
Ha, Wilding return’d! Shield me, ye Shades of Night. [Puts out the Candles, and goes to Wilding]
Tom Wilding
The Back−Stairs Door is lockt.
Lady Galliard
Oh, I am lost! curse on this fatal Night!
Art thou resolv’d on my undoing every way.
Mrs. Closet
Nay, now we’re by dark, let me alone to guide you, Sir. [To Wilding, exeunt Wilding and Closet]
Sir Charles Meriwill
What, what, all in darkness? Do you make Love like Cats, by Star−light? [Reeling about]
Lady Galliard
Ah, he knows he’s here! −− Oh, what a pain is Guilt! [Aside]
Tom Wilding
I wou’d not be surpriz’d.
As Closet takes him to lead him out, he takes out his Sword, and by dark pushes by Sir Charles, and almost overthrows Sir Anthony at which they both draw, whilst he goes out with Closet.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Hah, Gad, ’twas a Spark! −− What, vanisht! hah −−
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Nay, nay, Sir, I am for ye.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Are you so, Sir? and I am for the Widow, Sir, and –
Just as they are passing at each other, Closet enters with a Candle
Hah, why, what have we here? −− my nown Flesh and Blood? [Embracing his Uncle]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Cry mercy, Sir! Pray, how fell we out?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Out, Sir! Prithee where’s my Rival? where’s the Spark, the −− Gad, I took thee for an errant Rival: Where is he? [Searching about]
Lady Galliard
Whom seek ye, Sir, a Man, and in my Lodgings? [Angrily]
Mrs. Closet
A Man! Merciful, what will this scandalous lying World come to? Here’s no Man.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Away, I say, thou damn’d Domestick Intelligence, that comest out every half hour with some fresh Sham −− No Man! −− What, ’twas an Appointment only, hum, −− which I shall now make bold to unappoint, render null, void, and of none effect. And if I find him here, [Searches about] I shall very civilly and accidentally, as it were, being in perfect friendship with him −− pray, mark that −− run him through the Lungs.
Lady Galliard
Oh, what a Coward’s Guilt! [Aside] what mean you, Sir?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Mean? why I am obstinately bent to ravish thee, thou hypocritical Widow, make thee mine by force, that so I have no obligation to thee, and consequently use thee scurvily with a good Conscience.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A most delicate Boy! I’ll warrant him as leud as the best of ’em, God grant him Life and Health. [Aside]
Lady Galliard
‘Tis late, and I entreat your absence, Sir: These are my Hours of Prayer, which this unseasonable Visit has disturb’d.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Prayer! No more of that, Sweetheart; for let me tell you, your Prayers are heard. A Widow of your Youth and Complexion can be praying for nothing so late, but a good Husband; and see, Heaven has sent him just in the crit − − − critical minute, to supply your Occasions.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
A Wag, an arch Wag; he’ll learn to make Lampoons presently. I’ll not give Sixpence from him, though to the poor of the Parish.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Come, Widow, let’s to Bed. [Pulls her, she is angry]
Lady Galliard
Hold, Sir, you drive the Jest too far;
And I am in no humour now for Mirth.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Jest: Gad, ye lye, I was never in more earnest in all my Life.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
He’s in a heavenly humour, thanks to good Wine, good Counsel, and good Company. [Getting nearer the Door still]
Lady Galliard
What mean you, Sir? what can my Woman think to see me treated thus?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Well thought on! Nay, we’ll do things decently, d’ye see −− Therefore, thou sometimes necessary Utensil, withdraw. [Gives Closet to Sir Anthony]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Ay, ay, let me alone to teach her her Duty. [Pushes her out, and goes out]
Lady Galliard
Stay, Closet, I command ye. −− What have you seen in me shou’d move you to this rudeness? [To Sir Charles]
Sir Charles Meriwill
No frowning; for by this dear Night, ’tis Charity, care of your Reputation, Widow; and therefore I am resolv’d no body shall lie with you but my self. You have dangerous Wasps buzzing about your Hive, Widow −− mark that – [She flings from him] Nay, no parting but upon terms, which, in short, d’ye see, are these: Down on your Knees, and swear me heartily, as Gad shall judge your Soul, d’ye see, to marry me to morrow.
Lady Galliard
To morrow! Oh, I have urgent business then.
Sir Charles Meriwill
So have I. Nay, Gad, an you be for the nearest way to the Wood, the sober discreet way of loving, I am sorry for ye, look ye. [He begins to undress]
Lady Galliard
Hold, Sir, what mean you?
Sir Charles Meriwill
Only to go to Bed, that’s all. [Still undressing]
Lady Galliard
Hold, hold, or I’ll call out.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Ay, do, call up a Jury of your Female Neighbours, they’ll be for me, d’ye see, bring in the Bill Ignoramus, though I am no very true blue Protestant neither; therefore dispatch, or−−
Lady Galliard
Hold, are you mad? I cannot promise you to night.
Sir Charles Meriwill
Well, well, I’ll be content with Performance then to night, and trust you for your Promise till to morrow.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
[Peeping] Ah, Rogue! by George, he out−does my Expectations of him.
Lady Galliard
What Imposition’s this! I’ll call for help.
Sir Charles Meriwill
You need not, you’ll do my business better alone. [Pulls her]
Lady Galliard
What shall I do? how shall I send him hence? [Aside]
Sir Anthony Meriwill
He shall ne’er drink small Beer more, that’s positive; I’ll burn all’s Books too, they have help’d to spoil him; and sick or well, sound or unsound, Drinking shall be his Diet, and Whoring his Study. [Aside, peeping unseen]
Sir Charles Meriwill
Come, come, no pausing; your Promise, or I’ll to Bed. [Offers to pull off his Breeches, having pulled off almost all the rest of his Clothes]
Lady Galliard
What shall I do? here is no Witness near: And to be rid of him I’ll promise him; he’ll have forgot it in his sober Passion. [Aside] Hold, I do swear I will – [He fumbling to undo his Breeches]
Sir Charles Meriwill
What?
Lady Galliard
Marry you.
Sir Charles Meriwill
When?
Lady Galliard
Nay, that’s too much −− Hold, hold, I will to morrow −− Now you are satisfy’d, you will withdraw?
Enter Sir Anthony and Closet
Sir Anthony Meriwill
Charles, Joy, Charles, give you Joy, here’s two substantial Witnesses.
Mrs. Closet
I deny it, Sir; I heard no such thing.
Sir Anthony Meriwill
What, what, Mrs. Closet, a Waiting−woman of Honour, and flinch from her Evidence! Gad, I’ll damn thy Soul if thou dar’st swear what thou say’st.
Lady Galliard
How, upon the Catch, Sir! am I betray’d?
Base and unkind, is this your humble Love?
Is all your whining come to this, false Man?
By Heaven, I’ll be reveng’d. [She goes out in a Rage with Closet]
Sir Charles Meriwill
Nay, Gad, you’re caught, struggle and flounder as you please, Sweetheart, you’ll but intangle more; let me alone to tickle your Gills, i’faith. [Looking after her] −− Uncle, get ye home about your Business; I hope you’ll give me the good morrow, as becomes me −− I say no more, a Word to the Wise −−
Sir Anthony Meriwill
By George, thou’rt a brave Fellow; why, I did not think it had been in thee, Man. Well, adieu; I’ll give thee such a good morrow, Charles −− the Devil’s in him! −− ‘Bye, Charles −− a plaguy Rogue! −− ‘night, Boy −− a divine Youth!
Sir Anthony going and returning, as not able to leave Sir Charles. Exit Sir Anthony
Sir Charles Meriwill
Gad, I’ll not leave her now, till she is mine;
Then keep her so by constant Consummation.
Let Man o’ God do his, I’ll do my Part,
In spite of all her Fickleness and Art;
There’s one sure way to fix a Widow’s Heart.
Exit
